Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
