The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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