Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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