Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
