Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
