I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
