I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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