remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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