it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
