so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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