Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
