burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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