Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
