oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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