On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
sarcasm needs its own font
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
