I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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