I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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