I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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