i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
