did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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