I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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