I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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