Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
