she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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