Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
