Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
