How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
