the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
