Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
