My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
