We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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