I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
