textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
