if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
