I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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