Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
