Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
