He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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