dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
