I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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