She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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