when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
