You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
