new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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