Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
