how can u be prego again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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