I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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