he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
