Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
