She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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