I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
